Sunday, December 12, 2004

G.I. Joe vol. I (Dark Horse)

Who the hell lets stuff like this get published? I can say with tons of confidence that this four issue mini series is one of the worst that I've read in a long time, and by long time I mean years. I couldn't even bring myself to do more than skim the final two issues it was so bad. *Sigh* Where do I start in describing the suckiness?

First off, this isn't the G.I.Joe that most of us know. No, this mini is based on some obscure G.I.Joe Extreme cartoon that was around for all of like 2 days. I never heard of it and being the big G.I.Joe fan I've always been that means it had to be relatively obscure. Anyhow, so all of the characters are new. There's no Hawk, Duke, Lady Jaye, or Snake-Eyes. Instead there are a bunch of generic military typecast characters.

The bad guys also aren't Cobra. In here it is the Skar. Yeah, woot woot. I totally urinated through all of my clothes I was so scared by their name. Their leader is some guy that looks kind of like Destro except he has metal claws and his metal faceplate is more angular. He also doesn't answer to Cobra Commander. Instead it's some chick that is a descendant of an ancient royal bloodline. She formed Cobr... err, Skar in order to overthrow democracy because it doesn't work. Only royalty should be able to lead a country. Voting became such a pox upon society that the Skar had to be formed in order to right the sinking ship that was America.

Ok, so now that you know the setup, the rest of the series consisted of dialogue written by three drunken sixth grade dropouts while the art was handled by a washed up ex-cartoonist on crack. Really, this series was painful to read and look at. It took all of my constitution to keep from projectile vomitting every last ounce of juice in my stomach all across my reading room whenever I turned the page.

If anything these four comics will make good kittie litter once they are shredded properly. Make sure to remove the staples before shredding, however, or you might break your shredder. Once you have done that, only feed a four or five page bunch through the shredder at once in order to get a nice, fluffy mix. Fill your kittie litter box with the shredded comics and let your cats shit all over them because that's the only way this series could possibly get any worse than it already is.

Art: 1
Story: 1
Overall: 1

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